Bible Students

Song of Solomon is perhaps the most neglected book of the Bible. Not only is it difficult to relate to the redemptive narrative of the Scriptures, but the book is almost cast out of popular approval due to its sometimes sexual nature. However, for all of the difficulties, Song of Solomon actually gives valuable insight into God’s design for marriage. While tracking the stages of a couple’s relationship (courting, consummation, relational struggles, and recreational pleasure), the author paints a beautiful picture of relational wisdom. Many short topics will be discussed in this paper, including proper conduct while dating, and self-giving love during marriage. 

During courting, the attraction toward the other party is strong, and this is normal. Even the Shulamite woman desires Solomon, though she does not act on this (Song. 1:2). One should not act on these impulses, but they should not believe they are a special sort of sinner to be attracted to their beloved. However, this awareness should bring caution and comfort, as this is something all people are affected by. One can seek comfort from temptation in friends. 

In fact, friends are a large part of a healthy relationship! Courting should not be done in the shadows, as is shown by the public nature of Solomon’s relationship (Song. 1:4). Rather, a non-marital relationship should always be public in as much as it can be. A couple should not desire to constantly be alone, but rather to be with other people. This is more commonly known in the church as being above reproach. A couple should also make appropriate boundaries which reflect purity. These boundaries should not only surround things such as sex, but rather the long line of things which lead to sexual arousal. This is not to be legalistic, rather it is to give oneself to purity and chastity for the sake of one’s future spouse. If one does not have the self control to keep their hands off their loved one, can they claim to be able to show purity in their marriage? This point will be touched on in a later paragraph. Purity should be exercised in every relationship, and should be done so publically, especially in such an over-sexualized culture. Sex is, after all, seen in an especially negative light in modern Christian circles. Sex should be especially avoided, and sexual content in the relationship should be cast out altogether. 

Sex is often looked at as taboo in Christian circles. This is likely an overcorrection by the church in reaction to cultural norms, similar to the unbalanced stigma around homosexuals. There is sometimes a place for this kind of overcorrection, but in the case of sexual norms in the church, it has gone too far. The church as a whole, at least in America, sees sex as something that must be put aside, out of sight. Any sort of talk of sexual enjoyment is a matter to blush at. The over-sexualized nature of western culture exacerbates this, but the Bible, by its inclusion of Song of Solomon into the canon, does not see sex this way. Sex has been perverted, yes, but sex was and is a holy union instituted by God. It is a beautiful picture of self-giving love, and a strong picture of Christ and the church. The church’s pushback on such a statement only proves the above point. The love and vulnerability given are but a shadow of the love and vulnerability which we are unable to fully take part in between the church and God. The church itself makes this picture harder to understand by looking away from sex as a picture altogether. 

Because of this, the consummation scene is one of the parts of Scripture most looked away from. The new bride lays on the bed exposed, when Solomon comes and sees her. This is not an erotic scene which snuck into the Bible. Rather, the purpose comes shortly after when Solomon calls his wife beautiful (Song. 4:1-15). The purpose is to show that the bride, who has commented on her appearance earlier, must be comforted and affirmed before consummation. Sex is not for one to take from the other. Sex is a full giving of oneself. The bride gave herself in vulnerability, and therefore the groom must give himself in waiting, that he may love his wife with words. She must know she is beautiful. The love shown in the before and after sex, the effort which does not have sexual gratification, is the more important thing. Spiritual connection and love is far greater than physical. 

The author of Song of Solomon agrees, as another theme present in the book is the higher status of the spiritual over the physical. If sex was only a physical gratification, then it would not have been included in this book. Rather, sex is a spiritual gratification, the joining of two spiritual beings (this can be derived from passages such as 1:2-4, showing desire yet restraint before marriage). Sexual union is not only made for pleasure (though, the book does honor that aspect), but as an expression of self-giving love. The raising up of the other party is the defining aspect of proper sexual love. If one is taking something for themselves, it is not biblical sex. 

An important note to remember regarding the nature of sex, is that one’s character will not suddenly change after marriage. This is vital to understand for a proper marriage. If during courting one can not keep their hands off of the other, or refuses to give up masturbation, or especially pornography, all three of which demonstrate a “me-first” attitude in sexual gratification, then even after marriage they will likely still struggle with the “me-first” attitude during marital sex. This will have a much worse fall-out in marriage than in dating. Additionally, the non-sexual submission dynamics in a relationship will not quickly change after marriage. 

The concept of mutual submission is another defining trait of biblical marriage. The husband must love and give sacrificially for the wife, and the wife must love and submit herself to her husband. These seem to be very intricately linked, as both sides are commanded to be self-giving, though catering slightly differently to the other person. Now, if one is refusing to be self-giving in the little things during dating, it is likely they will not want to during marriage either. Each party needs to be self-giving in dating (appropriate to their emotional, spiritual, and physical boundaries). If they refuse to be, and have a “me-first” attitude in non-sexual actions, this is a red flag. 

As anyone can see with the very brief comments above, Song of Solomon is permeated by the richness of biblical relationships and sexual conduct. As something almost all Christians will go through, especially in today’s culture where celibacy is essentially ignored, the study of proper biblical relationships is among of the most important areas a young Christian can explore. While the book is not for everyone to explore at this time in their Christian walk, it is an essential book to dive into before marriage. Studying this after marriage with one’s spouse is highly recommended, and is something I personally will do when the time comes. I have already began to apply some of these principles into my own dating relationship, and they have done well.